Self-Pity Might Be the Very Thing That’s Keeping You Under

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“Self-pity becomes your oxygen. But you learned to breathe it without a gasp. So, nobody even notices you’re hurting.”
Paul Monette

We’ve all had those moments where life punches low—and we respond by curling inward. Maybe you studied harder than anyone, yet still failed that test. Meanwhile, your friend barely lifted a finger and passed like it was nothing. The sting is real. The unfairness is real. And sometimes we retreat into self-pity like it’s a blanket.


Is Self-Pity Helping or Hurting?

Honestly? Self-pity feels comforting at first—like a spoonful of sugar after a bitter taste. But, like sugar, it has zero nutritional value. It doesn’t grow you. It doesn’t heal you. In fact, it drains you further. What makes it so toxic is that it’s tied deeply to pride. We don’t feel bad just because things went wrong—we feel bad because we expected better for ourselves.

But this isn’t a beatdown. It’s a mirror. Understanding the why of self-pity helps us drop it before it becomes a habit that shapes our identity.


When the Pity Party Outlasts the Problem

It’s natural to feel broken after a hard blow. It’s even okay to cry or vent. But when we start living in that place—when the pity party outlives the actual event—we start dragging emotional weight like a backpack filled with bricks. And day by day, it only gets heavier.

Have you ever carried a bag that seemed fine at first, but hours later felt unbearable? That’s what self-pity does. It starts off as comfort and turns into a burden.


How Do You Put the Bag Down?

Self-pity is sneaky—it disguises itself as honesty or emotional “processing.” But healing begins when you can say: “This isn’t helping anymore.” It’s not about being hard on yourself—it’s about learning a lighter way to live.

As Tom Robbins once said,
“Heh! Self-esteem is for sissies. Accept that you’re a pimple and try to keep a lively sense of humor about it. That way lies grace—and maybe even glory.”

Letting go means admitting some truths. Doing some self-inventory. Then slowly loosening your grip on the emotional baggage you’ve been hauling around.


Acceptance Is the Start of Healing

Healing starts with truth. If you keep stuffing pain and disappointment into your emotional tote bag, one day it bursts—or it breaks you. Instead, carry only what’s essential. You’re not weak for feeling—just human.

So, let’s all embrace our imperfections. Let’s be “pimples,” as Robbins jokes. Get to know your flaws. Then let go of the drama. It’s not serving you. And it’s definitely not helping the people who love you.


Don’t Be a Wood Stove

Catherynne M. Valente once wrote,
“You ain’t no wood stove. You can’t just squat in the middle of my house and stew.”

Let that one sink in. Don’t sit and stew. Don’t let self-pity become your comfort zone. Surround yourself with real friends who pick you up, not pity you. And talk to someone. That might be your first real act of self-care.


Let’s talk. What are you carrying? Comment below. No pity party here—just space for honesty, healing, and true connection. 💬

19 Comments

  1. Self pity is never easy on anyone. It drags you down, it’s very toxic and it would never you do any good. It’s okay to feel bad for what happening to you but you should always move on from it, once you dwell in an experience or a bad feeling, that’s when the self pity kicks in.

  2. Hi Patrice,

    We have to be on the lookout for self-pity because it creeps in on us.
    I agree it is wise to take a deeper look at ourselves and find the reason for low self-esteem.
    In doing so, we will see also that we are loved and valued.
    This give us a choice in the way we see ourselves.

    Great topic,
    Vernon

    • Vernon, You are so right self-pity can creeps on us when we lease expect. But it is a hard feeling to shake at times. If we stop comparing our self to others this may help.

  3. Very nice blogpost and inspiring. I love talking to get out there and see things on my own perspective. i take negative into positive.

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