Misgendering anyone may seem like nothing to you, but for the person being misgendered, it can feel invalidating, painful, and isolating. Especially when it comes to your transgender teen, repeated misgendering can signal rejection, even if unintentional. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or your own child—respecting their identity is crucial. Using the wrong pronouns or name, especially after someone has communicated their preferences, may appear dismissive of who they truly are. It takes effort to adjust, but sincere attempts to do better are often met with understanding and forgiveness.
Why Misgendering Hurts So Deeply
Let’s be clear—misgendering isn’t just a mistake. It can reinforce the same rejection transgender people face in school, public spaces, or online. Your teen might already be battling fear, anxiety, or trauma from others refusing to acknowledge their identity. If the people closest to them—especially family—don’t affirm their identity, it can damage their self-worth, trust, and mental well-being. They may shut down, grow silent, or isolate as a result. Respecting pronouns and chosen names isn’t about political correctness—it’s about emotional safety.
How to Respond When You Get It Wrong
So what do you do if you misgender someone, especially your teen? Keep it simple and sincere: “I’m sorry, I meant to say [correct name/pronoun].” Then move on. Don’t over-apologize or center yourself. The point isn’t to highlight your guilt but to correct the mistake and show care. Making a correction in the moment helps you learn—and helps them feel seen.
Avoiding Defensiveness and Excuses
Being defensive (“It’s just hard for me to remember!” or “But I’ve known you since…”) only makes the moment more painful. Think of it like calling someone the wrong profession—you wouldn’t collapse in guilt. Just correct and continue. It’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s not okay to dismiss the impact they have. Be mindful and open-hearted. That makes a huge difference in your teen’s sense of safety with you.
Using the Correct Pronouns Even When They Aren’t Around
Affirming your teen’s gender identity even when they’re not present is a powerful gesture. It shows that you’re committed to respecting them as a whole person—not just when they’re watching. If someone corrects you when they aren’t there, just say “thanks” and try again. Practicing gendered language the right way in all situations makes it natural over time and sets a positive example for others, too.
How to Prevent Misgendering
If you’re not sure what name or pronoun someone uses—ask respectfully. And if your teen is nonbinary, consider adopting more gender-neutral language. For example, say “everyone” instead of “ladies and gentlemen,” or “sibling” instead of “brother/sister.” Even subtle shifts like this can be incredibly affirming. You’re not just avoiding mistakes—you’re building a safer environment for your child.
Consistency and Grace Go a Long Way
Most importantly—don’t stop trying. Even if you mess up repeatedly, your effort speaks volumes. Your child doesn’t expect perfection—they need honesty and growth. When you show them you care enough to learn and do better, it strengthens trust and creates a truly inclusive, loving space. That space might be the very thing that protects their mental health.
